G-2V53CT08RN Navigating Grief and High-Conflict Divorce: Insights with Karen Omand - Art of Life

Episode 36

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Published on:

10th Jan 2025

Navigating Grief and High-Conflict Divorce: Insights from Thanatology Expert Karen Omand

Tune in for a conversation with Karen Omand, a grief and divorce expert with a rare degree in Thanatology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. She specializes in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. 

Discover practical insights on navigating grief, handling high-conflict divorces, and supporting children during challenging times. With Karen’s personal experiences and actionable advice, you’ll learn how to find meaning, rebuild your life, and support loved ones through loss. Perfect for anyone facing emotional challenges or supporting someone through divorce or bereavement.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

  • Karen's personal story of loss and how it led her to a degree in grief and bereavement.
  • The layers of loss in both death and divorce and how they affect identity, future dreams, and emotional wellbeing.
  • Strategies for coping with grief while balancing life responsibilities, especially as a parent.
  • The importance of recognizing and supporting children's grief during and after a divorce.
  • Practical tips for navigating high-conflict divorces, co-parenting challenges, and finding hope on the other side.
  • Insights into Karen's workbook, Just Separated, designed to support those experiencing separation or divorce with actionable steps and emotional guidance.

Timeline:

00:00 Introduction and Guest Introduction

00:47 Karen's Background and Journey into Thanatology

03:00 Understanding Grief and Non-Death Losses

04:16 Grief in Divorce and Personal Experiences

06:49 Layers of Loss and Secondary Losses

12:47 Support Systems and Coping Mechanisms

18:34 Rebuilding Life After Loss

21:08 Communicating Grief and Setting Boundaries

26:14 Understanding Grieving Styles and Symptoms

26:59 Supporting Grievers: Practical Tips

28:00 Introducing the Workbook: A Resource for Divorce and Breakup

29:13 Insights on Divorce: Personal Stories and Practical Advice

31:42 Helping Children Cope with Divorce

35:03 Co-Parenting Strategies and Self-Compassion

43:24 Accessing the Workbook and Additional Resources

48:57 Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

👉CONNECT WITH KAREN OMAND:

🌟Instagram @griefandlosscounselor

🌟Just Separated Workbook https://divorceworkshop.ca/workbook


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Transcript
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Hello.

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Welcome to another episode of the Art of Life podcast.

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So today I have a very special guest, Karen.

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She joins us all the way from Canada.

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Now, Karen holds a rare university degree.

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degree in Thanatology and a BA in Sociology.

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So she is going to talk to us about grief today, about high conflict divorce,

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and how we can all move on from that.

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welcome, Karen.

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Glad to have you on the show.

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I'm so happy to be here.

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Thank you for having me.

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How are you today?

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How's your day been so far?

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Because it's my morning and it's been your Evening.

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My evening, we're getting quite cold up in Canada.

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It's cold now, but, yeah, it's been a very busy day.

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So, how about you?

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So, the ontology

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excited to start this conversation with you.

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So the first thing when I was looking at this, and I know a little bit of

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your story, but I don't know a lot.

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What really caught me was that you've done degree in thanatology.

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And to be honest, I just had to go and really Google it

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and understand what it is.

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And so it turns out.

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to be like you study the body after someone's passed away.

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So just curious, what got you into it?

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Why did you do this?

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Just walk us through your story.

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is, as I, as you said, is a rare degree.

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It's a study of bereavement, grief, and loss.

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I think there's only, in North America, there may be one or two

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schools that offer this degree.

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So, I'm assuming worldwide it's, it's not as you said, it's pretty rare.

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Why I got into this is, You know, as anyone has their journey, but I lost

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both my parents within two years, and they were quite sudden, and my mom, I

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was, my kids were young, very little, when my mom died, and she died suddenly

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after my dad died two years before.

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And I was very, very close with her.

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And I was very, very lost.

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There wasn't a lot of support systems.

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I felt really alone and like an orphan.

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And so that kind of morphed me into trying to figure out how to

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do this better, how to help people.

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It took some time though after that to kind of figure out that I was

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going to do a degree in grief because, as I said, it wasn't very popular.

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Like I didn't see it in any social media or any advertising.

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So I started doing volunteer work with bereavement people.

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And I also did volunteer with end of life care, palliative, so I had

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seen both the people who had been dying and then the people that,

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on the other end, the bereavement.

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And so I kind of fell into the passion of helping bereavement, and so that's what

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led me to the degree, which gave me, as we can talk about later, meaning and purpose

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in life, after my parents sudden deaths.

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So that's how I kind of got into it, except

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As I, again, as I grew more in my degree, I also had to do some

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courses on non death losses.

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And, non death losses meaning you know, such as divorce, job loss, moving I think

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some stats say there's over 70 types of non death losses, right, like you and

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your best friend don't talk anymore.

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Like all these grief that we feel today, right, we do, a lot of us feel some sort

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of little grief every day compared to the, the grief of a loss of a loved one.

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And so that got me into the divorce field because there's a lot of grief

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that goes unrecognized in divorce.

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And so, between working with grieving coun like, counseling grieving people

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as well as educating and doing workshops for grieving people, I started, and

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I've been starting for about, I'm in my fourth year of, with the divorce stuff.

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And I'm trying to promote that as well around the world to have more

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acknowledging that there is a component of grief in the divorce world.

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As well.

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So, that sums it up very shortly.

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And I'm also, I've gone through a pretty tough divorce.

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Yeah, yeah, no, and what you're saying actually resonates so much.

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I do have questions on this, like how old were you and so on, but just before I

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get into it and just talking about grief as such for our listeners as well, we

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tend to think of grief as, you know, if I lost someone, if I lost a relationship

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or something, for, with my ex, for example, I had a very toxic relationship.

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I thought I'd mentally separated from him very, very long ago, because

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we tried to stay in the same roof.

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We tried to just work it for the sake of our children.

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So it was a long drawn out process for various reasons.

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And yet, when we really separated, when that decision was made, and I was talking

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to a counselor on the phone, and he's telling me, like, why am I grieving?

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Like, how is this grieving?

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Because I've done the grieving, you know, for two years.

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And he's like, no, you're still grieving.

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You're moaned.

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You're mourning your dreams that

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Mm hmm.

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and we actually grieve a lot.

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And it depends.

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Some person could just be grieving.

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Like some person for them, it could just be a grief that they moved a

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city and they left people behind.

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For others, it could be something normal, whereas something else could

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be very, very big in their life.

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So how old were you?

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when you started comprehending, because you mentioned like your

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children, were really little at the time and you'd lost your parents.

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How old were you?

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How were you making your, your sense in all of this?

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So, I was in my, my dad, I think I was 34.

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So my kids were, one was just born.

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And the she was about 10 months old, and the other one was

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probably two, going on three.

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And then My mom, who, they were also divorced, my mom was, so I

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was the two years right after.

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So that, and, and those, what I, what you have to appreciate, there was not

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a lot of support systems in place.

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My ex had no idea how to support, which caused massive friction.

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I look back at that more compassionately now, knowing what I know now.

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But that's how I, That was kind of the demise of the marriage, to be

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honest with you, if I was to pinpoint.

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I lasted longer for about eight years after.

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And then, right before we divorced, I started doing my thanatology degree.

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But to speak of what you were saying, what that counsellor

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was saying is, so in thanatology world, we call that layers of loss.

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And so, that's only one component, like the future dreams.

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There's so many other layers that we don't actually really

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understand with divorce, right?

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Or even in grief loss, like a loss of a loved one, right?

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The layers of loss.

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We call them either layers of loss or secondary losses.

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So you have the death or the divorce is the main thing.

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And then underneath it all, there's layers, right?

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So future dreams.

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Yes.

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Also your identity.

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I had a whole list of them, but if you could think of it as intangible

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things that you can't see.

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So the role you had, you were a wife.

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your identity, who you were to a tangible, right?

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Well, most of us have to move houses.

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Most of us financially different.

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So anything tangible, right?

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Like the things in your house, you have to split up.

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So these are things that not a lot of people that are going through

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a death, a degree, a divorce loss, understand a death loss.

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It's the same.

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There's all these secondary losses that we have to, you know, and both of them,

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if you think, you know, for, right.

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certain types of death, not a natural order of death, which we can talk about.

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That's like an elderly natural order of death, right?

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Anything below a certain age is what we call off time.

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And off time is what you and I would say is loss of future dreams, right?

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Because that person isn't here.

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They should be here.

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And it correlates with divorce, right?

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Loss of future dreams because, In divorce, no one ever expects to get,

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like, in marriage, like, divorcing, no one, when you get married, sorry,

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no one expects to get divorced, right?

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Oh yeah, totally, totally.

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And we, we are unprepared.

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We're unprepared.

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So we are coping up with it.

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And I think the important point that we haven't talked about so far is

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just that an expectation like you were a mother at that time as well.

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That must've been really hard because you have very, very little children who

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cannot even understand what's going on.

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And yet they have their day to day needs and they want you to play with them

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and they want you to laugh with them.

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Like you have a newborn, you have a little.

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two, three year old child.

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it's very different.

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Their expectations when you drop them at daycare or when you go to school, it's a

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different role that you sort of get into.

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So often there's the trapped emotion because you just cannot have a space

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where you can just let go and grieve.

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you would like to grieve because life has an automatic pilot

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and you've just got to keep the treadmill and just keep going with it

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Yeah, that's so true, I mean, I think I, for the first, I was in such shock with

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my mother's death, I think for the first six, seven months, I just functioned, but

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I wasn't really at all absorbing, right, I wasn't really, I remember I have a story,

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story to say that in, so she died January and one of my neighbors, I went for a

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walk and she's like, you know, they, they knew my mother and, and they, they said,

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well, we haven't seen her in a while.

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And I said, oh, she's fine.

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Because I had not even, yes, and this happens with grievers.

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I could not accept the reality of the loss.

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I was still doing a lot of processing.

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Yeah, so I tell that story quite often and people are like you,

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they're shocked, but this is, this is what happens to some people.

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I just was not able to process this, it took me quite a long time.

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because we have to find comfort somewhere.

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And how I look at myself whenever I've had like a shocking thing is the day to

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day thing, that's the day to day routines.

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Like you've got to have something working.

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you know, some, some routine because everything else in

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your world is shaken up.

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So like, okay, what is a little bit of routine that I can get?

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And often, if I look back at my times, I look at the times, okay, what's maybe the

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next meal or sometimes even looking after my son that time as taxing as it feels,

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it also gives Handrail, so to speak, to just walk on in life because there are

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groceries to be done or there's a meal to be provided and you sort of do the day

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that way instead of absorbing or being in the present because it's just so hard

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Yeah,

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accepting it's hard.

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yeah, and, and the thing is though, is that's why I work with people to try

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to encourage moments when they come up and if it's safe to do so, however

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they release is to release, right?

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So, another thing with.

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grief, it can be in my world, right?

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It's, we call them intuitive or instrumental grieving.

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So intuitive is obviously, it's emotional.

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We express our emotions.

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And then instrumental, right, is when we do things.

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So in the gender world, We tend to see men do more instrumental, right?

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They kind of think their way through more and women are more intuitive.

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However, I've seen it many times.

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They sway, right?

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I've seen men break down.

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I've seen women very, very.

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I've seen women that tell me I'm going gardening today.

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That's what's, you know, so they're doing things, right?

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So it doesn't, I don't, we're not stereotyping to say one does one.

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It's just in general, everyone sways.

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I know for myself with both the divorce and the death losses I've experienced

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I've had to do a lot of walking.

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And a lot of force bathing, and a lot of grieving on my own, emoting so I'm

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definitely a pendulum person, right?

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I need to move my body, and I also need to express and have support.

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For our listeners who are listening to this and either loss that they're

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having, whether they're going through a divorce or whether there's something

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else that is really significant in their life and causing them griefs,

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are some of the immediate things that they can do that you would advise?

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For them.

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There's two things we look for, and I wanted to tell everybody that

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grief is so unique for everybody.

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So for you, how you grieve is going to be different than how I grieve, so

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don't compare yourself with anybody.

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You know, if you're in a family situation and your parent dies or something and

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you notice your brother's not grieving the same way you are, accept that.

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You know, everybody grieves so differently and it causes a lot of friction with

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family systems when one isn't grieving.

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Like if I'm emoting and I'm expressing, why aren't you, you know,

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you're going to look around going, well, why, why aren't you crying?

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Right?

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Well, To understand that we all, so that's one thing I wanted to

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say, we're all very, very unique.

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As I said to you before, we need to lean in.

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A lot of times the support systems are not as good as we want and

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that can be very lacking, right?

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And I do exercise in both divorce and in the grief world where they fill

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out a form to figure out their right support systems because I'll mention

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the divorce one cause it's on my head, but it's called the wild UN exercise.

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And so yeah.

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You write down a list of all the people in your sphere, right?

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So, even neighbors that you're good for, like, like decent neighbors, right?

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Or faith people, or whoever.

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Name them all.

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And then put them in the categories.

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Like, so listeners, right?

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Who are your listeners?

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And a lot of us don't have that many because there are not

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really strong listeners, right?

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Like, but who's that best friend or who's that good family member that

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you can call up and they will listen?

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Because you need,

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and they're not gonna advise you.

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They will just be there.

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Like they will just be a vessel for whatever you wanna

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say rejecting their thoughts.

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and, and who's the worker.

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So the worker we use in divorce or the, the doer.

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So who's the one that's going to bring you the pizza, bring the lasagna over, or if

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you're divorcing, who's going to help cut the lawn or cook, you know what I mean?

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So we have the doers type of people or workers.

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So, and then the, the other one is the respite.

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So who's the one that's going to say, Hey let's go.

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I'm going to take you to the movie.

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You need to get out of the house or I'm going to come over and you know, We're

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going to have watch TV and watch a movie.

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So those are really important that people kind of figure out

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who the right support systems are.

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So, support for me is, is a really important thing when you're going

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through either of these losses.

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Both with death loss, we have a bit of support for a while.

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And then as you know, probably it, it tails off.

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And a lot of times I see clients where they're still grieving heavy.

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But they don't have that support system anymore.

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So another thing is that I use is the four pillar support.

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And so I make sure they have, you know, how's the peer support?

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Do you have good peer support?

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That's a support groups or such things that you do like healing centers, right?

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Things that things that they can go to and they feel like a

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community and they feel supported and then it's friends and family.

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Right.

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And then there's yourself because whether you're going through a divorce or any

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type of non death loss or death loss, You still have to do the work, right?

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It's, it's you and it's hard work.

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Grief is a big frustration.

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It's probably the most hardest thing you'll ever get through in life.

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And so realizing that, you know, you, you know, I, I work with mothers that have

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lost daughters through drug overdose and the work that these ladies do, it's, it's,

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it's, And it is, I'm so proud of them.

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But it's so hard.

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But they've done the work, right?

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And so they still need support.

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Pardon me?

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I want to also tell people that on the other side, it's a lot brighter that

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yes, it feels very, very hard today.

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Like just yesterday, I had a client not as bad as this, but she.

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Just had a job loss.

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She was fired and she wasn't fired in a nice way.

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She was just fired in a really brutal manner, but often what

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that can do is it just takes away your sense of identity and so on.

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So she's going to like really look at herself and really look at all

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the pieces of her, and or losses.

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They'll be different and similar.

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I want to remind all the listeners that at the end, that there's a before, there's

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an after picture, just like a house can have the before and after picture

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and the after you don't just really realize how the house is looking and how

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the same house was in shambles before the redecoration that happens.

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Afterwards, that can be really, really glorious.

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So think of it this way, that if you're doing so much of shift and if you do

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really digging out all the dirt and you're like, Oh my God, I can't handle this.

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You got it still because somewhere, you

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Mm-Hmm.

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You wanted it as part of a soul evolution.

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And I'm not saying it was a conscious decision.

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I'm not saying that it's to blame anyone, but this was written for you.

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You were meant for this significant change.

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by significant change, I also mean significant evolution.

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Talk to us a little bit about the after.

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After that, you see with your clients, once they've walked through and they've

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done the hard work just to give our listeners a picture, give them a little

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bit of hope and strength and inspire them to go through the tough times.

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There is a lot of hope.

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I've worked with all different types of losses and I've been it's baby steps,

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you know, it's very gentle baby steps.

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I don't there's not a huge big transitions within weeks.

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Right.

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It's very, very gentle baby steps.

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But what you were saying about your house, right?

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So another thing is, is.

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As I said to you before, making meaning.

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So it's building your foundation again and it may not look like the same

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house, but it can still look like a lovely house, just different, right?

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So it's rebuilding your life.

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However, you're going to vision it, you know, like they work

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with you to help that part of it.

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Right.

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And they may work with me to help understand what grief is

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and, and help them through that.

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But Rebuilding and we call it making meaning is really one of the most

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important things and it's, it's so different for everybody and I can't,

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I can only suggest things, right?

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And how they do that, right?

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Like, if I think of my story eight, nine years ago I was so unconfident

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that I didn't even think I could go work at the variety store.

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Yeah, yeah.

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That's how, that's how low I was, right?

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I, for me going to the shops and simply shopping without crying, without

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being a mess, like someone looking me in the eye, I was just so bad.

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I would feel like I would just be a bag of tears.

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So for me, just making a shop trip, like really quick, not looking anyone

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in the eye and just getting my milk bottle or whatever and coming back, that

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was a really big step in the beginning.

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So I hear you.

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Yeah.

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So there's a lot of, I did a lot and I work with a lot of people and it's

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just very gentle baby steps, right?

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And yeah.

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And I, you know, I look back at where I was or look back where you were

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and, and, and the growth, right?

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It's been a lot of growth, and there's been a lot of, in growth there's a

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lot of, you know, it's uncomfortable divorce is uncomfortable, right?

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If you think about divorce ways, it's like it's, it's uncomfortable, but as

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you said, it was meant to be, right?

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It's kind of what the journey was, right?

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And accepting that is a huge component and processing that too, so.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And you mentioned about support system.

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Now, oftentimes what I also find is let's say in the office or someone who sort of

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knows the situation, but doesn't know you too well, or sometimes even when people

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really know you, they want to help you.

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It's hard to know what to say and what to ask them.

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Like, it's like a, Usually it sort of becomes like a little big elephant

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in the room, you know it, but then you just talk about coffee or food or

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the weather, and even if you want to really sincerely support the person,

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you just don't know how to approach it.

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So how can supporters around them and people who are just in their office and

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so on, how can they really help them?

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So it is, it can be tricky, right?

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I will say.

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To say nothing is wrong, right?

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And to be mindful of what you say.

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In when I was doing my degree, we had a talk one day and we're talking about

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all the stupid things people say.

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And the list is long.

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I mean, if you want examples, I give you examples, but saying something

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meaningful, they may say, I don't want to talk about it because I teach

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my clients, grief boundaries, right?

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If they're not ready yet, I want them to say, I can't do that right now.

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But that doesn't mean if you're a decent friend to this person or you

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care about this person, that maybe in a couple weeks or three weeks you kind

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of approach and say, would you know, would you like to go for a cup of tea?

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Or how's it going?

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Is is because a lot of time in the grievers, whether divorce or

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whatever, they isolate, right?

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And that's okay.

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'cause they're in so much pain.

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Like the example of you going out for milk, right?

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You isolate.

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So.

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Not say anything at all, but trying to be mindful and kind of having to

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read the room because It's not easy.

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I'm gonna say I've been I've been doing this quite a long time and even

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I have to kind of Read it out before I even go up and just approach them.

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Just be mindful Don't don't think don't say things like they're at peace or

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they're in a better place And do not compare your loss to to theirs, right?

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You know, like a lot of people go, Oh, well, I lost my parents too.

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And this has nothing to do with you.

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This is putting yourself in their shoes and their pain and just being there,

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like don't harp on them all the time, but staying consistent, maybe checking

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in and they may not answer your phone or the text, but they may see it.

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Right?

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And so that they know that they'll matter.

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So I'm also, so just keep trying if, you know, and for the people that

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are in the grieving side, either divorce or death, I teach it a lot.

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I do this with divorcees as well practice what you're going to say to somebody.

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So if you're going through a tough divorce or you've had a

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tough, a loss, write a script out.

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Like, write it out and practice out, and so when someone comes up

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to you and you don't want to talk about it, you've kind of already

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practiced what you're going to say.

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Like, I don't want to talk about this with you, thank you for asking.

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Or, this is what happened, I don't want to, you know, so write a script.

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And practice it, practice it with somebody else or just with yourself.

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So at least you have it in your head that if someone comes up to you and

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says, you know, because not a lot of people are going to, there are

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going to be people that aren't going to be as aware or as appropriate.

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So you can have that little practice.

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That I have to tell you, I use that a lot, actually.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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But then there are people who really matter or matter significantly.

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Like that could be your parents or that could be someone in your family.

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Children, we'll talk about.

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A little bit later, because that's a different hat that you've got

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to put on, but how do you do it?

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What do you say to your family?

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What do you say to maybe your mother?

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Who's just calling you again and again, or just wanting to

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know how you are and so on.

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How

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Is this a death loss or like, or both?

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Maybe, yeah, maybe just talk to whatever you've seen recently.

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Yeah.

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So we talked about, before I talked about grief boundaries, right?

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I said, you know, depending what type of mother she is, right?

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If she's, if she's helping you,

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Yeah.

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Then you can be more honest.

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then you can be more honest, right?

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And if she's, you know, depending on the, the parent and child relationship,

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even adult children, I mean, it depends what type of parent you are.

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To me, you're allowed boundaries, period, right?

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And so, it depends.

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Who they are, right?

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Because my mother was very warm, so I would have probably let her in, right?

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But again, it's not easy for the parent either, even if they're very supportive,

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because emotions for grief, and I have it in the book, it goes all gamut, right?

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You can be very angry.

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Some aren't angry at all.

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You can be very irritable.

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Like, it shows up in different ways.

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So, I think family members that are supporting ones that are

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grieving, if they understood that, like, the grieving styles, but

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also the symptoms of grief, right?

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Like, a mother's good intention is like, eat.

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You need to eat.

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You need to eat.

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Well, every time this person's eating, they're getting stomach aches and

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nauseated because their nervous system, their cortisol levels are all through

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the roof because of all the uncertainty and, or grief or pain they're in, right?

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So if they understood going, I think my child is, is, is really

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the, you know, you know, the energy is all upset and everything.

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And so they would kind of be more understanding instead of, a

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lot of people don't know, right?

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Like they don't.

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Right.

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And we also have to remember, what is the intention of these people?

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Are they just trying?

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Right?

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It's just that grievers are, you know, they're in pain.

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They're grieving, they're going through their process, and someone

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who's supporting them, some, often the supporters come from what they

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know, and what they know is their

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Yes.

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So, like, you gave a very good example, so when the mum says, Hey, you've

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got to eat, because generally, yes, eating is good for you, But you've just

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got to see what's really happening.

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So sometimes as a supporter, just be prepared to see what's really happening

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and try and be present in that moment.

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And rather than going like maybe what the books told you or what

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your conditioning has been, try and see how it's really working out.

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And sometimes you need to be present.

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And that might mean taking a little bit of a backstep on

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certain things and that's okay.

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And that's fine.

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Right.

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So talk

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It's not an easy thing.

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no, yeah, totally.

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So talk to us about your book, how do you come to writing it and what's

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your main message for everyone?

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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in since 2021 and we had decided about a year in, to do a workbook.

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So it's a very simple workbook, but it's kind of a resource

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book for those going through or exploring divorce or just breakup.

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Like it doesn't have to be divorce, you know, cohabitating couples or whatever.

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We've, we wrote it, it's been about two years and it's been,

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it's graphically pleasing.

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Like it's, so there's about 55 little workouts from Who

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you are divorcing, separating.

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So you kind of have to figure out, because a lot of us, especially in

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divorce, especially ones that have more of a toxic type of ex, don't really

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understand who they're divorcing.

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And for myself, I thought, well, of course it's going to be just a

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normal, practical, simple divorce.

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Well, it has not been, right?

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Because I was a little bit naive to think if he didn't behave very well in the

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marriage, for some reason, I thought he was going to behave well in the divorce.

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That doesn't really change too much, right?

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So, actually, I'll tell you a little story.

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I went to I went and got some Reiki.

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Do you guys have Reiki in Australia?

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And she did treatment on me, and she said, I don't know, you're going

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to understand this better than me, but she's like, he's stuck in mud,

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and you cannot teach him anymore.

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So, energetically wise, you have to, You have to go and I tell you I

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cried and cried and cried and cried.

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I released it was like but that's the point of that story is is is

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that's that character personality still stuck in mud and I've been

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growing and he's still stuck in mud.

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So The book comes from a real passion because just like that I was naive

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I felt like I say this all the time.

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I fish out of water.

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I didn't know and I came from a divorced family So the book helps

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with that Insights in divorce like really in the practical sense not

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energetic practical sense divorce of the business It's a contract that's

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broken up right and then it's legal information So do you go to lawyer?

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Do you do mediate?

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You know what's in a separation agreement and then there's emotions

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right because emotions are some people say it's 95 percent of the

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divorce and that's where you probably like people come to see you, right?

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Because it's like, as soon as we handle those a little bit better or understand

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or aware or cope, we can start letting go and then the anger starts going.

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So, and then there's the financial, which is just the financial

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information because a lot of people are uncertain about finances in divorce.

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And then there's co parenting, because that's also a big skill

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that not many people know how to do.

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It's a big adjustment for some, most actually.

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And then recovery.

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It's a big change.

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changes, right?

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Your home changes, your identity, everything is changing.

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So yes, you're going to adapt, but it's going to be a completely new system.

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It's going to be a completely new lifestyle as well, depending on the

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finances you have and your kids need to have different houses, how are they going

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to be with the other parent and so on.

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So yeah, glad you're covering all of

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Yeah.

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And then recovery, which is, you know, the, the, the the, the, the, the, it was

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the easiest and the nicest one to write because it's, it's the hope page, right?

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It's like, we've got, I think, 40 pages of recovery.

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I did want to mention just before that to remind people that are going through a

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divorce We talk a lot about ourselves that grieve the divorce for different reasons.

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Why?

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Right.

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We talked about the beginning, but I also want to mention that

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remember that your kids are grieving.

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They're grieving the loss of their family foundation.

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Right.

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And that when you're with them, You're not grieving because they're with

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you, but they may be grieving that they're not with their other parent.

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And then when they're with the other parent, they could be

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going, I really miss my mom,

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Yeah.

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So I just want to put that in perspective because it's a lot of

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like, you're in pain, especially with the holidays coming up, right?

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And we're having to transition a lot of kids, you know, just remember

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that, yes, you're grieving because you only get them half of the holidays.

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But they're grieving full time, right?

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And a lot of times developmentally they don't know how to handle that.

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So sometimes with the young ones they can regress or they can get angry and yeah,

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we have that stuff in the book as well.

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But it's just, I just wanted to mention that because I as a child of divorce,

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that also no one acknowledged it, right?

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That I was crying in my room at night wishing I was with my mom, right?

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So just be mindful of that for the coming up holidays.

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No, and that's a very good pointer.

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And it's one of those things that doesn't stop in the sense that when the children

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are growing up, it is an forever thing.

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And often people think, Oh, you know, divorce, divorce happened in the past.

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Like your parents separated in the past and then things mattered.

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But no, every 14th birthday, every, every little milestone when

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you got a trophy, when or when things did not work out right.

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You have one parent to support.

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And you would ideally want, like who doesn't want as a child to have More

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loving parents that could also be for grandparents and so on as a child.

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You want people to just care for you and have that.

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We all want that.

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Even as we grow up, we want to have more support around us and people

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who understand us and care for us.

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So yes, that's a really big thing to keep in mind.

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I think also for parents to understand that it's not around

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jealous or feeling less jealous.

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than the other parent.

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Maybe you're, like I know from my relationship, yes my relationship with

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my ex was toxic and I hope it is for a lot of parents, they can say that.

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But when I would look at that, I would say that, oh my ex,

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but he's still a wonderful dad.

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May or

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Good point.

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Mm hmm.

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Mm

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with it a hundred percent, you know, like, yes, I do this part better and

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I do something else, but he doesn't get this or she doesn't get it.

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That is okay.

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But they're the only other parent.

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And if they are good, try and focus on what is that good.

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And just bring that out more and more and more because it's

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good for the child to have that.

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Biologically, if let's say one person was able to raise a child, I

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always Davis, like we wouldn't need another partner to raise a child.

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If we need another partner, there is a need.

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There is an inherent need to have another parent.

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And if that is possible, even if it's a very high conflict divorce, it's

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very to that make space for that.

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Like while you're going for the divorce, but just have that energetic space for it.

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hmm.

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Mm hmm.

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to allow that parent to have tips for parents there.

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I have a, just something, it just came up.

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We have it in the book to the workbook is, is you have to do an exercise where you

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have to think, and it's funny because, you know, if it's high conflict or even a lot

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of divorces are moderate conflict, right?

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There may not be high, but there's a lot of moderate conflict because

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you are getting a divorce, right?

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It's not that easy.

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Try to think of something your ex does well, right?

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Because we're going to think they don't do this well, they don't do

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this well, but try to just, you know, sit there and go, okay, so maybe

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they're really into science, right?

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And you're not very good at science, but your kid is really love science.

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Well then you know that when they're over at their dad's or mom's, that

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is going to be really helpful that they're going to have these great

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discussions about science, right?

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So you understand the exercise, right?

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So it's just like you're saying, like, even though you may not.

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You know, you and your ex maybe have been fairly high conflict, but you're good now.

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You, at the beginning, you're like, well, he still is the father and

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he still does some things good.

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Right?

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So it just puts you in the mindset, right?

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Like, you know, maybe he, they do this good and I'm, you know,

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maybe I'm not very creative, but they are, you know what I mean?

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So you fell in love with them for one reason or another.

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They have to have something, it can be, you know, it can be, it doesn't

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have to be lots of things, but they have to be something that, that,

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that you can look at and say, yeah, okay, they're pretty good at this.

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Yes, yes.

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And focus and focus on that a lot more, especially the early days when,

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you know, you're separating with your child to let them feel that the other

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thing, tell us about actually how you've seen parents their kids better

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in all these high divorce cases.

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What can parents do to their children cope with the grief that the kids

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are going through all the time?

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Well, one thing is, is, is awareness that they're actually grieving, right?

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And giving them space, you know, the thing about children is it's

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all about, as you've already said, developmentally, right?

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Like, you know, If they're four, they're going to react differently than

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you are when you're 10 or 12 or 14.

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You know, when they're teenagers, they're already trying to

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pull away from you already.

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And they may continue to do that, right, and do their sport teams or their clubs.

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They can show up in grades that are, you know, maybe, you

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know, watch out for grades.

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A lot of times with I think the tweens are the hardest, right?

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They're in that kind of really tough age.

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So just keep you know, just keep an eye and I would also say that especially

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with those tweens and teenagers that don't obsessed over the divorce to them.

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You know, one of the biggest mistakes I made is I kept on

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harping are you guys okay?

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Are you guys okay?

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And they were tweens.

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And they were like enough.

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We're fine.

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Like don't want to talk about it every day with you, mom.

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I said, Oh, okay.

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Right.

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So just making sure.

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Watched for younger ones.

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Watched behaviors, watch regression.

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I also want to mention if you're having a moderate or higher conflict

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you have to keep the conflict out.

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You, you cannot.

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Bye.

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I mean, you know that it's so well researched No arguing

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in front of your children.

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You know there's another exercise I have, it's called the front door, back door.

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The front stage is where you win the Oscar, or the over here we have the Cheesy

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People's Choice Award, which is, I don't care what award, but you're doing holiday

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concerts right now, or whatever's coming up, you do that the front door, front

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stage, where you're like, hello, right?

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The back stage is, It's where you talk to you, to me, to your friends,

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your family, where you can get out everything and all the frustrations not

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in front of your children because it is, yeah, it's really, that's one of

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the big things is kids are already going through enough, the big transition.

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It's a lot of grief and you need to be, and it's not easy to

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do, none of this is easy to do.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I think what I always try and remember that adults are

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separating, so we separate.

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Kids still have that family.

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when they draw their family tree, whether at school or with anyone, you know, mom,

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dad might be in a different house and grandparents might be in different houses.

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But for them, that's their family tree.

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That's how they connect the lines.

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So when we talk to them about the other parent, we talk to them

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about those conflicts and so on.

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For them, we're shattering their world.

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That's right.

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Yeah.

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That's right.

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love your analogy around front door and back door.

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Like keep their front door, which is inviting.

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They want to grow up in a nice safe place.

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the parent that you would want to be.

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Be the parent that you would

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Mm hmm.

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Mm

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Be that even if you feel like, Hey, I can't muster the strength and so on.

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It's okay to say like, I've told my son and probably you have

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strategies for that as well.

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But I've told my son, Hey, I'm just overwhelmed right now.

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Mommy needs a minute or mommy needs

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minutes.

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And I need that time.

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And I'll separate myself and go into a room.

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My.

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My thing is I meditate and come back

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hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm, mm

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that when mom does that, it's okay.

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Like she comes out a better person for him.

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hmm.

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Yep, yep.

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So help parents with that front door, back door and to deal with them so that they

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can be better parents for their children and they can give them better things.

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They can bring them up better.

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What are maybe some of your strategies or perhaps some things

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that you've outlined in your book?

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For the co parenting,

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Yeah.

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As

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when you are feeling really off, when something's really triggering

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you, but you want to separate from your child, but your child's right

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there in that moment with you.

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for them, it's

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That happened often.

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It happened often.

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So it was a practice.

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Like, as I said, I'm also, you know, It's a very, it's a slow progression, right?

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And one of the things I also want to mention is if you do come out, like, say

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you get a nasty letter or a text that they're just and you go, Oh, and you

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swear, you say, darn it, or whatever.

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And they can tell by your behavior that, you know, the

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energy is, is you're to repair.

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You need to repair.

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You know, I have made mistakes as a co parent, you know, I've

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rolled my eyes, at a couple of Christmas gifts he gave them, right?

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I didn't, I didn't say anything, but you know as well as I do

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that this is not good, right?

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It's not good.

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It's not, it's, it's not good for them.

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And I did it.

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For them, it's where they come from.

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For them, it's at least 50 percent of how, and especially if it's your same

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sex parent or someone you, it is someone you love and admire, and it's really

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from intrinsically a part of your world.

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So what you're really saying then no to, is you're saying that no

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to that other half of your child.

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Yes.

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We have to remember that.

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Yeah.

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So I, I, my, my point of this is for, for people to remember,

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you need to repair because we're human and we're flawed, right?

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And so we do make mistakes.

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We all do.

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That's a self compassion.

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That's in recovery.

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I have that.

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Practice self compassion, but also repair and just say gently, you know, I'm sorry.

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I didn't mean to react that way.

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I'm sorry.

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I, you know, as you said, I'm overwhelmed.

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It's just a lot going on right now, right?

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Because you know, if, if, if you're going to keep beat yourself up all the time,

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that gets really destructive on you too.

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So just realize that you, you know, repairing with your children when

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something happens that you slipped out.

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Or, you know, you're not doing it intentionally, just go and repair.

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yeah, yeah, that's a solid advice.

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I think, awesome.

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I think you and I could just talk for hours.

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It will not be done.

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amazing.

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I think the workbook, the book that you've got, that's an amazing

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resource for all the parents.

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Whether I think even just for loss as well, but especially for divorces when

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they're going through a conflict, just to be able to process the information.

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So how can they access the book and who can you help?

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Can they reach out to you directly?

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Yeah, so it's on Amazon, it's called Just Separated.

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I have a look here, it's like this with the car, which is a broken up car.

Speaker:

So it's on Amazon and I'm at so I'm, two emails, I'm at

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griefandlosscounselor with one L at gmail.

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com and that's my grief, the death loss.

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And then I'm at divorcekarenatdivorceworkshop.

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ca, that's my email.

Speaker:

Or, divorceworkshop.

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ca, there's some free tips and some blogs there, and of course our books.

Speaker:

And we do offer free consultation, so.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

And I'll put all those links in the show notes as well.

Speaker:

So the readers will have access or the listeners will have access to that.

Speaker:

Now, the book itself, is that just for parents in America or Canada, or is

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the legal advice and they're going to be valid for people across the world?

Speaker:

It does

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It's just legal information.

Speaker:

So, it's like,

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you said, you just

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who, how do you interview a lawyer?

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Can you mediate?

Speaker:

It's very just information.

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It's like keeping your legal bills down.

Speaker:

Each jurisdiction is different.

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Australia is going to be different than UK UK, but it's just general, like what

Speaker:

is in a general separation agreement?

Speaker:

I had no idea.

Speaker:

This is just, this is kind of what's in it.

Speaker:

So it's just very, it just, it's a little bit, it's an educational thing, right?

Speaker:

It's not, What's your support child support chart in Australia?

Speaker:

It's nothing like that or UK It's just the very same with finances, right?

Speaker:

Just your budget one of the workouts in Financial is are you anxious about money

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and how maybe you should have to like some tools and how to not be so anxious and

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so Yeah, it's just it's just it like I always say to other divorce professionals

Speaker:

It doesn't take any of your jobs away But it does really educate the people and

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it's like a resource the thing about love about this is say you're coming You're You

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know, you're having a co parenting issue and you're like, Oh, I don't know what to

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do because the pages are all individual.

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It's not like a reading book.

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You can go into the, yeah, you can go into co parenting and just

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like, okay, Oh, here's the tip.

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Like you don't have to fight.

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It's like, it's really, really simple.

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I almost call it like an encyclopedia for like a divorce.

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Like it's just a great resource that you put on your bookshelf and just

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say, okay, this is bothering me.

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How do I do this?

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Put it away.

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A couple of days later, something else comes up.

Speaker:

Right.

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So that's kind of way.

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I think anybody who is exploring or going through either divorce or separation I

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wish I'd had it because there's nothing really, anything out there like this.

Speaker:

And I have a, you know, and I have a passion to help people

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and I wanted to make this book able for more people, right?

Speaker:

Because coaching, not everybody can afford, right?

Speaker:

But at least the book is more reachable to more people.

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So,

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up, flip a page and see what suits you, you do it, you read it.

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By the day, and it is, from my own experience as well, there is

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nothing like that in the market.

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You go out and you think of a lot and the thing also to take away, especially during

Speaker:

a high conflict situation like this, really always able to think straight.

Speaker:

And usually a lot of the people who are coming to you, they might be

Speaker:

coming with, you know, the right intentions, but they'll be colored

Speaker:

with whatever's happened with them.

Speaker:

So like, I remember, for example, when I was going through my process, I just

Speaker:

had people who were telling me, No, you know what, you should just get a divorce,

Speaker:

or was very much around child custody.

Speaker:

It was very much being dictated like how I should have more or whatever.

Speaker:

And so on, like the people come up with their things and luckily I had

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my own energetic tools to be able to understand and clear up and go, okay,

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no, I have to think in terms of my child and what's best for my child

Speaker:

and not be swayed by that because that time your head might not be as clear.

Speaker:

So it's

Speaker:

I'm glad.

Speaker:

during that time because your exercises, they help you like think

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a lot more rationally than someone who's coming from a place where

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it's more emotional and it's more

Speaker:

Yeah, exactly.

Speaker:

You're exactly right on.

Speaker:

You're so overwhelmed.

Speaker:

You don't know where to go.

Speaker:

You don't know what to do.

Speaker:

And that's why we hope it helps many people, right?

Speaker:

Because I don't want people to go through what I did, you know?

Speaker:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker:

And I think it will be such a better place as well because divorce is

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a very taxing emotionally taxing experience for all of us, for us as

Speaker:

adults, for all our children as well.

Speaker:

And there is a huge increase in divorce rates across the world, anywhere.

Speaker:

So it's good that we all have a better framework for just working

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through this process and making it as easy for us and for our children.

Speaker:

I think it helps generations after as well, because divorce

Speaker:

has such a lasting impact.

Speaker:

Yeah, it does.

Speaker:

And I'm, I'm so glad there's people like you out there as well that

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are helping support too, right?

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We just, The more support we have, I'm just so big on it, the, the, the better

Speaker:

we get through divorce or death loss.

Speaker:

Yeah.

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Yeah.

Speaker:

Well, thank you, Karen.

Speaker:

Thanks for just coming here and just sharing your tips and insights with us.

Speaker:

I think the work that you're doing is absolutely amazing.

Speaker:

I will

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for the podcast for the book in the podcast show notes so that

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our listeners can access that.

Speaker:

I think it's going to be handy across all platforms.

Speaker:

All over the world.

Speaker:

So any last tips or anything that you want to share?

Speaker:

Otherwise just it's been such a pleasure having you.

Speaker:

There has been a lot of nuggets that you've shared in this podcast.

Speaker:

Yeah, I mean, you and I could have talked for another hour because

Speaker:

it just was, you know, there's so much information between us though.

Speaker:

No, it was lovely for me, for me to come on.

Speaker:

Thank you for having me and I love what you do as well.

Speaker:

Thank you for tuning in to the Art of Life podcast.

Speaker:

It is definitely your love that keeps me going, wanting

Speaker:

to publish even more episodes.

Speaker:

So if you feel called, please do leave me a review.

Speaker:

I would love to hear what you thought about the episode.

Speaker:

If you wanted to connect with me, you can also reach out to me at artoflifecenter.

Speaker:

com slash hello, because I would love to hear from you.

Speaker:

All right, till next time.

Speaker:

Bye

Speaker:

bye.

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About the Podcast

Art of Life
Art of Life Podcast | Growth Journeys & Practical Tools for Empowerment
What if transformation wasn’t just about doing more—but about becoming more?

Join Kanika Vasudeva, energy and consciousness coach, as she dives deep with visionary healers, thought leaders, and transformation guides to explore the power of self-discovery, healing, and conscious living.

On The Art of Life Podcast, we break free from limiting beliefs, reconnect with our inner wisdom, and uncover the practical and spiritual tools needed to live with more clarity, purpose, and ease.

Expect raw, real, and soul-stirring conversations on topics like:
✨ Energy healing & the mind-body connection
✨ Releasing emotional patterns & subconscious blocks
✨ Holistic well-being, from Ayurveda to astrology
✨ Conscious parenting, relationships & self-worth
✨ Manifesting abundance & creating a soul-aligned life

If you’re ready to step into your highest potential, rewrite your story, and embrace the art of living fully—this podcast is for you.

LINKS:

WEBSITE https://artoflifecenter.com/

ENERGY HEALING CIRCLE https://artoflifecenter.com/energyhealingcircle

#EnergyHealing #EmotionalHealing #StressRelief #HealingJourney #SpiritualGrowth #KanikaVasudeva #Transformation #podcasts
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About your host

Profile picture for Kanika Vasudeva

Kanika Vasudeva

Hey there, I'm Kanika, the founder of Art of Life Center (artoflifecenter.com), a cozy haven for those seeking a fresh start, growth, and a sprinkle of happiness in their lives.

Once upon a time, my life was all about plans and predictability, thanks to my engineering and business background. But everything changed when I lost my daughter at 31 weeks pregnant. From that shadowy valley emerged a new perspective on life—a sense of something greater than ourselves.

Since my daughter transitioned from her physical life, she's been my teacher, unveiling profound lessons about life and our bigger purpose. Alongside her, various other mentors have guided me on a journey of discovery, teaching me about clairvoyant readings, healing practices, past lives, and the enigmatic Akashic records.

My dream is simple: to help you rediscover your sparkle and lead you toward a life filled with peace and plenty of laughter. Trust me, a life sprinkled with joy and growth isn’t just a dream—it's right here, waiting for you.

Website : https://artoflifecenter.com/
Message Me : https://artoflifecenter.com/hello/