Breaking Taboos: Sex, Relationships & Empowerment with Leah Spasova

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Hello, dear listeners.

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Welcome to another episode of the Art of

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Life podcast.

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Today we have lovely Leah with us and

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she is joining us all the way from

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New Zealand.

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She is going to talk about our relationships

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and sex in general because she is a

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psychologist.

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She is also a sex and relationships expert.

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So all the questions that we have about

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bed, all the questions that we have about

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love life, those we can bring on today.

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So welcome, Leah.

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Thank you for joining us today for a

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beautiful conversation.

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Thank you so much for having me, Kanika.

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It's a joy and I always love to

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talk about those topics.

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So just to get us started, how did

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you get into all of this?

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Why did sex become such a big thing?

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And more importantly for our listeners, like is

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it a very big deal in relationships?

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You know, I've answered this question so many

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times and when you said, why is it

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such a big deal?

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I thought it was never a big deal

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for me, you know, so this is such

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a good alternative way to approach answering it.

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But I was lucky to grow up in

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a sex-positive family.

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My dad particularly was very much determined to

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make sure that I don't grow up with

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shame and guilt around those topics.

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And as every child would ask questions, I'm

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certain that I did too.

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And he just gave me a matter-of

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-fact kind of answers, no questions like, where

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did you hear this?

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Or judgments like, you don't need to know

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this, you're too young or anything like it.

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He just answered as a matter of fact,

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at a like stage-appropriate level.

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So if say I was five years old

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and I asked, where do babies come from?

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He wouldn't lie about a stork or something.

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He would just say, well, again, that's back

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in the days.

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He would just say, well, when a man

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and a woman want a child, the man

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would give a seed to the woman, they'll

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plant it in her belly, and then the

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belly would grow and the baby would be

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in there.

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And that's how babies are made.

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So to a five-year-old, I didn't,

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you know, need to know about vaginas and

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penises and all these things, you know.

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But I knew still the reality of it,

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you know, in a very dumbed down fashion.

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That's what we need to do with kids.

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And we need to empower them with the

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truth that they need to know what that

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state.

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So well done to him.

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Yeah, exactly, exactly.

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And my mum gave me a book when

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I was like 10 or 11 years old

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about the female body and it contained everything

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from puberty to old age, from pleasure and

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the clitoris to cancers, growth around the ovaries

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and all these things.

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So by the age of 12, I was

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pretty much the sexpert in my friend's group

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and in the neighbourhood, etc.

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And sex was never a big deal for

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me exactly because of that.

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I never felt that, oh, this topic, you

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know.

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But a lot of my friends did feel

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that because they weren't that fortunate to grow

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up with sex-positive parents that gave them

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the resources to learn.

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And I became that go-to person for

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a lot of people.

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And when I was a teenager at 14

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years old, a non-government organization came to

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my school.

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They held a talk about domestic abuse and

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human trafficking.

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And I was absolutely astonished that for the

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first time in my schooling career by this

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point, I learned something about real life in

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school.

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And it wasn't even delivered by the school.

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I was like, wow, I want to know

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more about these things.

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And they invited us to their youth club

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and they used to take us on like

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five-day trips where we'll sit in circles

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and talk about how power works, how toxic

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relationships develop, how to recognize abuse, what is

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abuse, what is peer pressure.

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So it kind of gave me a really

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good, solid understanding of those things.

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Also like how to protect yourself, how to

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have like safe words and even conversation lines

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with friends and family to alert them if

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something is wrong in a non-conspicuous way

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so that they understand that you are in

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trouble and you need help.

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Wow.

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And how old were you then?

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14.

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Wow.

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So this is pretty good learning because even

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if your family had been open in terms

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of talking about sex, it's still a very

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good age because yes, we can be open,

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but there's still just the act of sex,

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doing it for the first time and taking

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your clothes off.

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Like there's just different feeling with that.

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Even if you're not feeling ashamed, there's definitely

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awkwardness and so on.

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So it's very good to learn that very

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early on and to learn about toxicity in

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relationships and the power that sex can play.

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Yeah, yeah.

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Honestly, the whole, you know, awkwardness that's there

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for a lot of people when it came

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to sex wasn't there for me.

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I was like, it's a normal thing people

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do, you know.

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You'd have dinner, you'd have sex.

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It's a bodily need.

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Why be ashamed of it, you know?

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There are hundreds of reasons why people have

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sex and that's actually documented by research dating

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a few years back and only one of

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them is reproduction.

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So for the most part, we do not

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have sex for reproduction.

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Definitely not when you're, I don't know, like

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a teenager or a young person or even

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in your 30s and you're still paying an

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extortionate amount of rent and you're like, can

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I afford a cat?

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Not to mention a dog or a person

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to bring into the world.

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I did not feel awkward about those things.

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I was very, like, open to it and

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had a healthy idea of what it is

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and how seriously to take it, you know,

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what's serious about it, what's fun about it.

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Did that shape you then, taking this up

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as a career?

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What really prompted you?

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Um, being in the organization as a youth

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member, they used to send us to town

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center with bags full of condoms and, you

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know, for World AIDS Day to raise awareness

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and all these things.

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I fell in love with that kind of

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preventative work and the psychology of it all.

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And I decided at age 14, that's what

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I want to do.

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I want to become a psychologist.

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And although a lot of people in my

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friends group and even strangers used to tell

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me, you have to become a sexologist.

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I was like, nah, nah, sex is not

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a big deal for me.

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Like why?

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But psychology, that's way more interesting.

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But after working, like I studied psychology and

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counseling and worked in mental health in the

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UK, I got really disillusioned with how things

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are.

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And I went traveling for a year around

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Europe.

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And during that time, I still kept getting

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calls from people from like over a decade

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ago asking me like, Hey, Leah, this issue

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with my boyfriend, my girlfriend, can you help

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me, et cetera.

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And I was like, okay, like I need

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to listen to what people want of me

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and what I'm good at.

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And that's why I started my private practice.

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You know, it was like too many things

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aligned that I was like, I can't ignore

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this anymore.

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Yeah.

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People trust me, open up to me.

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I got to do something with this.

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So generally, what are the bigger problems that

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people are coming to you with?

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Like what is the most common one or

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two issues that people really have and they're

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wanting help?

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When it comes to sex, it usually is

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interpreted oftentimes as a mismatched libido or something

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like this.

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And I'm like, oftentimes it's not a matter

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of libido.

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It's how you actually navigate your sexuality and

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how your partner navigates your sexuality and theirs.

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And what I mean by is that oftentimes

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if we had to gender things a little

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bit, because it helps women feel like they're

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not very sexual, that they are not interested

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in sex.

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Because societally conditioned that way.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And because life is too busy.

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Life of a woman is too busy.

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You have so much to take care of

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and you are way more in demand socially

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and physically in terms of your labor than

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men are usually.

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And you get exhausted.

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And when do you have the time to

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think about sex?

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You know, I'm an energy coach.

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So the other thing that I find especially

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is that the feminine energy as such, and

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we all carry our feminine and masculine energy,

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but the divine feminine energy is very settled.

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It's very laid back.

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It's very much like, it's like magnetism.

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That's why a lot of women in their

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favorite time, they just want to sit down.

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Even if they're not mums yet, even if

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they're not that busy, they want to sit

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down.

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They want to go have a massage.

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They want to read a book.

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They want to color, like the general female

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settling down activities.

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And men want to go out, do something

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physical.

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For men, if they want to solve a

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problem, they'll go like, okay, what can I

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do?

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You know, how can I just get fit

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in the body?

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They'll want to run out and so on.

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That's just different styles.

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So yeah, the women, I think in the

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world, they tend to get more tired.

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And plus their general energy, bulk of the

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feminine energy is also a lot more where

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they just want to sit down and relax.

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I can definitely see that, but I also

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see cultural differences in all of that because

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specifically in the West, women are not encouraged

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to go outdoors and conquer the world and

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stuff like that.

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And also it depends where you live.

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For instance, having lived in Bulgaria and then

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in the UK and now in New Zealand,

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I find that in the UK, it's so

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much more difficult to get yourself out of

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the house because of the weather and people

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in mass suffer from social anxiety and struggle.

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And they're more likely to cancel on plans

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that you've made like two weeks ago or

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three weeks ago or six months ago in

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the last minute.

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And that's also cultural.

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And when I'm here in New Zealand, people

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way more like get out in nature, socialize.

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You know, there are a few people that

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since I've been here, I've made friends with.

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And any time that I said, do you

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want to go do something?

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And they're like, yeah, what?

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Boys and girls, they're like, yeah, what?

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And they're very active, especially the female friends

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that I have here.

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They're always like, let's go kayaking.

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Let's go on a hike.

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Let's go blah.

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And I'm like, these women just like, how?

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That is so true.

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That's also because how I suppose the work

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environment is in Australia and in New Zealand

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as well, because by the time and UK,

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yes, I understand weather might be a different

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story.

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But in both of these countries, because there's

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a big focus on family life as such,

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people really want to get out and do

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things and they're more fit and so on.

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And I definitely didn't mean that women are

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like not wanting to connect out and do

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things in the nature.

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But in general, a woman's way is more

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like she's more ready to receive and she

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wants to be pampered.

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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Whereas a man feels very fulfilled in general

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when he's providing, when he feels useful to

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the people he loves.

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Yeah.

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So back on the question, is that kind

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of one of the things with couples when

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it comes to sex is this, how do

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you organize your life so you can actually

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fit in connection to yourself, connection to your

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body?

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Because a lot of women are very disconnected

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from their bodies.

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That's another thing that I'm seeing a lot

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of.

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Because a lot of the time women suffer

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from a lot of pain through their lives

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because of periods, endometriosis, other health conditions, autoimmune

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disease, because again, we put ourselves last on

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the list and we're gaslit by medical organizations

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and institutions to believe that all of that

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pain is in your head.

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So we actively disconnect from our bodies.

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How are you to even sense and feel

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into your body when half of the time

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you're trying to avoid feeling that pain, feeling

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that discomfort?

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Yeah.

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And it's very- You're trying to be

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disconnected and connected.

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Exactly.

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A huge amount of women are absolutely disconnected

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from their bodies for a huge portion of

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their week for various reasons.

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Maybe their mothers and their bodies now are

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providing body for someone else or for X

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amount of children.

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Maybe it's, you know, endometriosis or something else

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and they want to disconnect from the pain.

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So they live in their head.

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They disregard the pain.

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They just pop in pills.

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And when you're that disconnected, desire is not

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going to come knocking on your door.

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Not that easily.

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And the other thing is like female arousal

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is a little bit more difficult to detect.

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And if you spend a lifetime disconnecting from

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your body, guess what?

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You're not going to detect when you're physically

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aroused by something.

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Whereas men, it's way more visible for them.

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And they are taught to experience the world

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through their bodies.

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Men also are more of a kinesthetic or

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practical learner when it comes to things.

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They're more physical.

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And that's again, part of it is they

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have the luxury of being connected to their

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very hormonally stable bodies.

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There's so many things that are stacked against

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us and working holistically around that, as it's

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called mismatched libido or whatever you want to

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name it, needs to look through all of

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these questions, like how much do you work?

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What's going on for you?

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Do you have time and capacity to invite

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sexy thoughts inside your head?

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Do you know how your partner's sexual responses

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and how to take care of them so

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they can relax a little bit?

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And as you were saying, women want to

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sit down and take a break.

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Well, how can a man participate in her

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taking a break so that she can relax

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and drop into her sensual and sexual, you

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know?

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That's my answer to what goes wrong with

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sex, for instance.

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And on the relationship level, what I'm seeing

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is dynamics, patterns of behavior, very much belief

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systems and structures and responses that are not

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helpful or healthy and people are just trapped

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in a pattern that they see.

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It happens again and again.

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They keep fighting about the dishes in the

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sink or, you know, who's doing what, etc.

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But they don't recognize the deeper levels of

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it.

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What's a trauma response from the past?

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That you feel overly sensitive about something, maybe

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overly sensitive about injustice or disrespect to your

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time or whatever it is, and then you

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explode.

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So what is happening really on a deeper

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level?

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Where do you heal this to begin that

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more connected journey to your partner, to yourself?

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Break patterns as well, bad patterns.

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That's what I always say, that we are

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always repeating patterns.

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You know, if you're on the outside, it

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might feel like it's the other person, they're

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not doing their dishes properly, and so on,

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so on.

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Of course, 100%, you know, that is what

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they're doing.

Speaker: 00:15:08

But there's a part of you that's bringing

Speaker: 00:15:11

that experience into existence.

Speaker: 00:15:13

So what is that bit?

Speaker: 00:15:14

And how do you help your clients look

Speaker: 00:15:17

at that?

Speaker: 00:15:17

How do you help them identify patterns?

Speaker: 00:15:20

How do you help them break out of

Speaker: 00:15:21

patterns?

Speaker: 00:15:22

Oftentimes, for me to answer that question, I

Speaker: 00:15:25

need to describe how I work, and I

Speaker: 00:15:28

work in three levels.

Speaker: 00:15:29

I work with the cognitive, which is the

Speaker: 00:15:31

top level.

Speaker: 00:15:32

It's like, what is the stuff that you

Speaker: 00:15:35

need to know?

Speaker: 00:15:36

Because sometimes, or oftentimes, the reason why people

Speaker: 00:15:39

don't do better is because they don't know

Speaker: 00:15:41

any better.

Speaker: 00:15:42

You know, so what is it that's missing

Speaker: 00:15:44

from your self-awareness, or your partner awareness

Speaker: 00:15:48

and abilities, and whatever it is, to kind

Speaker: 00:15:50

of begin thinking, oh, I need to change

Speaker: 00:15:53

x, y, z here.

Speaker: 00:15:54

Then once you have that awareness, and that

Speaker: 00:15:56

knowledge, we go down to the behavioral level.

Speaker: 00:16:00

So what can you do on a behavioral

Speaker: 00:16:01

level?

Speaker: 00:16:02

Maybe it's, you need to understand a better

Speaker: 00:16:05

way of communicating with your partner, and have

Speaker: 00:16:07

better structure.

Speaker: 00:16:08

Maybe you need to learn non-violent communication,

Speaker: 00:16:11

or radical honesty, which side do you need

Speaker: 00:16:14

more of?

Speaker: 00:16:15

And then there is the emotional, the third

Speaker: 00:16:17

level, which is the deepest level that I

Speaker: 00:16:20

go into, where we work with, well, what

Speaker: 00:16:23

inside of you may be preventing you from

Speaker: 00:16:26

stopping x, y, z, or doing differently, etc.

Speaker: 00:16:29

And the way that I describe this process

Speaker: 00:16:32

is through the analogy or comparison to someone

Speaker: 00:16:36

smoking.

Speaker: 00:16:36

It says it usually on the box that

Speaker: 00:16:38

if you smoke, it will kill you, and

Speaker: 00:16:40

poison you, and all of these things.

Speaker: 00:16:42

So if knowledge alone helped, then there'll be

Speaker: 00:16:44

no need for me and you, and the

Speaker: 00:16:47

majority of professionals out there, right?

Speaker: 00:16:49

If knowledge itself worked, people would have read

Speaker: 00:16:51

all the self-help books, implemented it, and

Speaker: 00:16:54

boom, they have the perfect life.

Speaker: 00:16:57

So that's the first thing.

Speaker: 00:16:59

But when we have someone who is a

Speaker: 00:17:02

smoker, they could be either behavioral, kind of

Speaker: 00:17:04

like habitual smoker, or an emotional smoker.

Speaker: 00:17:07

Because both of these people know that smoking

Speaker: 00:17:09

is going to kill them.

Speaker: 00:17:10

That educational piece is probably already done by

Speaker: 00:17:14

the box that they're smoking from.

Speaker: 00:17:16

The next is the habitual smoker.

Speaker: 00:17:19

They probably smoke with their coffee in the

Speaker: 00:17:21

morning, at the pub, with their drink, or

Speaker: 00:17:24

whatever it is.

Speaker: 00:17:25

It's a habit.

Speaker: 00:17:26

But they can quit it if you help

Speaker: 00:17:28

them with some behavioral techniques, like patches, and

Speaker: 00:17:31

you know, whatever else.

Speaker: 00:17:33

But then you have the emotional smoker.

Speaker: 00:17:35

That's the third level that I work at.

Speaker: 00:17:37

And it doesn't matter how much education you

Speaker: 00:17:39

give them or behavioral strategies, they will continue

Speaker: 00:17:41

to smoke, and relapse, and smoke, and relapse,

Speaker: 00:17:44

if they ever stop.

Speaker: 00:17:45

And that's because they're smoking for an emotional

Speaker: 00:17:47

reason.

Speaker: 00:17:48

Maybe they need to escape their toxic boss

Speaker: 00:17:51

for like five minutes.

Speaker: 00:17:53

And that's their way, because they can't draw

Speaker: 00:17:55

boundaries.

Speaker: 00:17:56

They don't feel empowered to dare and look

Speaker: 00:17:59

for another job or something else.

Speaker: 00:18:02

They think that wherever I go, it will

Speaker: 00:18:04

be the same thing or worse.

Speaker: 00:18:06

And that might be one reason.

Speaker: 00:18:08

So if we're to help someone stop smoking,

Speaker: 00:18:11

who is an emotional smoker, we need to

Speaker: 00:18:13

be building their boundaries.

Speaker: 00:18:14

We need to be building their self-esteem.

Speaker: 00:18:16

We need to be helping on that deeper

Speaker: 00:18:18

emotional level.

Speaker: 00:18:19

Or it may be that they're really socially

Speaker: 00:18:21

awkward and shy.

Speaker: 00:18:22

So that's the only way that they can

Speaker: 00:18:23

meet people at the pub, freezing their bum

Speaker: 00:18:26

out, smoking, and bitching about the weather.

Speaker: 00:18:29

Maybe that's another thing.

Speaker: 00:18:31

Maybe that's the confidence within ourselves, social skills,

Speaker: 00:18:35

etc.

Speaker: 00:18:35

That needs to be worked on so that

Speaker: 00:18:38

the person can stop smoking and can start

Speaker: 00:18:40

a conversation with anyone, anywhere.

Speaker: 00:18:42

You bring a really, really important aspect about

Speaker: 00:18:45

sex in general.

Speaker: 00:18:46

Because while we're talking about smoking, we're really

Speaker: 00:18:49

talking about our sexual intimacy.

Speaker: 00:18:52

Why are we doing that?

Speaker: 00:18:53

What is the reason?

Speaker: 00:18:54

What is it that drives us, right?

Speaker: 00:18:56

And sex, as you were talking around the

Speaker: 00:18:58

emotions, sex and emotions, energetically, they're really tied

Speaker: 00:19:01

with the second chakra.

Speaker: 00:19:02

They're really tied with the sacral chakra.

Speaker: 00:19:04

And the sacral chakra, as much as it's

Speaker: 00:19:06

around sex, it is about reproductions, about life

Speaker: 00:19:10

creation.

Speaker: 00:19:11

The same force, literally the same energy in

Speaker: 00:19:13

our body, is also used for our drive

Speaker: 00:19:17

through life.

Speaker: 00:19:18

So we call it the life force.

Speaker: 00:19:20

So whatever passions, whatever things we want to

Speaker: 00:19:22

create.

Speaker: 00:19:23

So when this energy is balanced, or when

Speaker: 00:19:25

someone's emotionally balanced, or when sex is a

Speaker: 00:19:28

place where it's not because of lack, but

Speaker: 00:19:32

it's more like, hey, you know, it's normal,

Speaker: 00:19:35

like that center is not unbalanced.

Speaker: 00:19:39

When sex is approached from a nice, happy,

Speaker: 00:19:41

good place, that time you would find that

Speaker: 00:19:44

the individuals, they're thriving in the rest of

Speaker: 00:19:47

their life as well, because just that life

Speaker: 00:19:49

boost is there for whatever they want to

Speaker: 00:19:51

create.

Speaker: 00:19:52

That place is really safe and good.

Speaker: 00:19:54

So sex might be an emotional response where

Speaker: 00:19:57

someone's going in because, well, they're feeling bad

Speaker: 00:20:00

about something, something wrong happened with their boss.

Speaker: 00:20:03

And so they go like, okay, you know,

Speaker: 00:20:04

this is my means of escape.

Speaker: 00:20:06

But you can only escape to a certain

Speaker: 00:20:09

point.

Speaker: 00:20:09

One day you've got to face the music,

Speaker: 00:20:11

you've got to come back to it.

Speaker: 00:20:13

So I think you're doing really great work

Speaker: 00:20:15

in terms of helping people emotionally.

Speaker: 00:20:18

And what are some of the tips that

Speaker: 00:20:20

you can leave for people?

Speaker: 00:20:22

Because I think people will understand that yes,

Speaker: 00:20:25

I'm going here or this needs to stop.

Speaker: 00:20:27

Like I've had clients who have just been

Speaker: 00:20:30

addicted, sometimes to sex or porn.

Speaker: 00:20:33

But generally, what is the advice that you

Speaker: 00:20:35

would give to them?

Speaker: 00:20:35

Because sometimes they would realize they want to

Speaker: 00:20:37

get away from the bad behavior, they want

Speaker: 00:20:39

to get away from needing sex.

Speaker: 00:20:42

Again, in that kind of situation, it's a

Speaker: 00:20:44

matter of coping.

Speaker: 00:20:46

So I would say that this is a

Speaker: 00:20:48

coping strategy for them, just as like smoking

Speaker: 00:20:50

is for someone who is afraid of their

Speaker: 00:20:53

boss or something.

Speaker: 00:20:55

And a lot of the time, the way

Speaker: 00:20:56

addiction specifically has been approached to anything has

Speaker: 00:21:00

been like cold turkey, go cold turkey, do

Speaker: 00:21:02

the 12 steps or whatever.

Speaker: 00:21:04

And I'm like, I'm sorry, but it's BS.

Speaker: 00:21:07

Like this does not work.

Speaker: 00:21:08

Addiction or any kind of obsession with something

Speaker: 00:21:10

or compulsivity around something has to do with

Speaker: 00:21:14

what does this thing bring you?

Speaker: 00:21:16

Why is this thing important for you to

Speaker: 00:21:19

do?

Speaker: 00:21:20

And how is it taking you away from

Speaker: 00:21:22

what you're running away from?

Speaker: 00:21:24

Or healing you in that moment?

Speaker: 00:21:27

Because if we look at it like social

Speaker: 00:21:29

media is a great addiction itself, right?

Speaker: 00:21:33

And what is it doing?

Speaker: 00:21:34

It's allowing people to escape from the shit

Speaker: 00:21:39

show that sometimes life is.

Speaker: 00:21:41

And it's the same for any other addiction,

Speaker: 00:21:44

be it sex or drugs or work or

Speaker: 00:21:48

anything, really.

Speaker: 00:21:49

It's about going in inquisitively and just asking

Speaker: 00:21:53

yourself, which parts of me are being served

Speaker: 00:21:56

when I do this?

Speaker: 00:21:58

What am I getting out of this?

Speaker: 00:22:00

And why is this my method of escaping?

Speaker: 00:22:04

I would never say go cold turkey on

Speaker: 00:22:07

love or sex or work.

Speaker: 00:22:09

No, totally.

Speaker: 00:22:10

Because people are seeking some emotional validation.

Speaker: 00:22:14

There's an emotional need.

Speaker: 00:22:16

So you're literally taking it away.

Speaker: 00:22:17

You're not solving the root cause at all.

Speaker: 00:22:19

They were going there because there is a

Speaker: 00:22:21

problem in the first place.

Speaker: 00:22:22

So we're just taking that away.

Speaker: 00:22:24

You're not hitting the root cause of the

Speaker: 00:22:25

problem.

Speaker: 00:22:26

What is it that they need?

Speaker: 00:22:27

You're not hitting that.

Speaker: 00:22:28

So it just wouldn't work.

Speaker: 00:22:30

There's just a matter of time.

Speaker: 00:22:32

How long can you abstain?

Speaker: 00:22:33

And then when do you come back to

Speaker: 00:22:35

it?

Speaker: 00:22:35

Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker: 00:22:36

And that's what I would say to people.

Speaker: 00:22:38

Make sure that on the path to the

Speaker: 00:22:40

healing journey and during the healing journey, you

Speaker: 00:22:43

work with people who understand what you're dealing

Speaker: 00:22:46

with.

Speaker: 00:22:46

And most mainstream therapists out there do not

Speaker: 00:22:50

understand sex, do not understand relationships, because most

Speaker: 00:22:53

of their training is around the mainstream plagues

Speaker: 00:22:55

of society, anxiety and depression.

Speaker: 00:22:58

If you are on that kind of path

Speaker: 00:23:00

right now, then I would definitely say seek

Speaker: 00:23:03

sex and relationship professionals who can help you

Speaker: 00:23:06

with this and specialize in this.

Speaker: 00:23:08

And I would never, ever recommend people to

Speaker: 00:23:12

work with someone who believes that once you're

Speaker: 00:23:14

an addict, you're forever an addict, because this

Speaker: 00:23:16

is so old school, so ancient as a

Speaker: 00:23:21

belief.

Speaker: 00:23:22

If I ever was to, I don't know,

Speaker: 00:23:24

like I'm a psychologist, I know people can

Speaker: 00:23:27

heal, people can grow from an experience, people

Speaker: 00:23:32

can move on from an addiction.

Speaker: 00:23:35

And I don't speak about this very often,

Speaker: 00:23:38

but I went through workhoolism.

Speaker: 00:23:40

When I started my business, I was like,

Speaker: 00:23:41

that's what it takes.

Speaker: 00:23:43

I was hanging out with a lot of

Speaker: 00:23:45

Americans in entrepreneurial communities.

Speaker: 00:23:48

The hustle culture was rubbing off of me.

Speaker: 00:23:49

I also had a lot of personal life

Speaker: 00:23:52

challenges that year before I started my business.

Speaker: 00:23:56

So I was still very much hurt by

Speaker: 00:23:58

a lot of things that happened.

Speaker: 00:24:00

And I was like, well, if this and

Speaker: 00:24:01

if that, I need to be my person

Speaker: 00:24:04

and be independently reliant on myself.

Speaker: 00:24:07

Because one of the reasons why I left

Speaker: 00:24:09

the NHS in the UK was because I

Speaker: 00:24:12

got this illusion, there was a lot of

Speaker: 00:24:13

backstabbing, a lot of drama in the mental

Speaker: 00:24:16

health.

Speaker: 00:24:16

And I was like, how am I supposed

Speaker: 00:24:17

to work with colleagues that are bonkers?

Speaker: 00:24:21

Like my clients that come and see me

Speaker: 00:24:24

are way better than my colleagues.

Speaker: 00:24:27

You know, it was such a difficult time

Speaker: 00:24:30

and I was very hurt.

Speaker: 00:24:31

And that just put a lot of the

Speaker: 00:24:33

conditions in a perfectly aligned order for me

Speaker: 00:24:37

to fall into workhoolism.

Speaker: 00:24:39

And the fact that my dad was a

Speaker: 00:24:40

workaholic his whole life, I used to call

Speaker: 00:24:42

him out since I was like a child.

Speaker: 00:24:44

And I thought like, you know, I'll never

Speaker: 00:24:46

be like him.

Speaker: 00:24:47

But monkey see, monkey do.

Speaker: 00:24:49

Like father, like daughter.

Speaker: 00:24:51

And that's the thing, I've walked that path.

Speaker: 00:24:53

It took me a few years to journey

Speaker: 00:24:56

out of workhoolism.

Speaker: 00:24:58

But I no longer feel tempted to go

Speaker: 00:25:00

and, you know, work for six hours straight

Speaker: 00:25:03

without a break when something difficult happens in

Speaker: 00:25:06

my life.

Speaker: 00:25:06

And that's exactly the definition of a cure.

Speaker: 00:25:09

To not need to reach for that when

Speaker: 00:25:12

shit hits the fan.

Speaker: 00:25:14

You know, to feel like, oh, I have

Speaker: 00:25:16

a different way of dealing with this.

Speaker: 00:25:18

And actually, I don't care for that old

Speaker: 00:25:19

method.

Speaker: 00:25:20

It doesn't serve me in that way.

Speaker: 00:25:22

And I still love working and I'm still

Speaker: 00:25:24

hardworking.

Speaker: 00:25:25

But there's no compulsion around it anymore.

Speaker: 00:25:28

There's no drive to work when I'm upset

Speaker: 00:25:31

about something.

Speaker: 00:25:33

And even terrible things have happened in the

Speaker: 00:25:35

past, you know, how many years since I've

Speaker: 00:25:38

been on that journey out of workhoolism.

Speaker: 00:25:40

And I'm still like, sometimes I felt like,

Speaker: 00:25:42

oh, gosh, I wish I was a workaholic

Speaker: 00:25:44

right now, because then I could go back

Speaker: 00:25:46

and whack out so much of my work

Speaker: 00:25:49

done.

Speaker: 00:25:50

Like, I'll be so productive.

Speaker: 00:25:52

But it's gone.

Speaker: 00:25:53

You know, I've healed that part.

Speaker: 00:25:55

And time has tested me.

Speaker: 00:25:57

And that's why I say to people, I

Speaker: 00:25:59

would never recommend for you to go to

Speaker: 00:26:01

a professional that would sell you that you

Speaker: 00:26:04

need them for life.

Speaker: 00:26:05

And that is a condition for life.

Speaker: 00:26:08

And that once an addict, forever an addict,

Speaker: 00:26:11

utter BS.

Speaker: 00:26:12

Yeah, correct.

Speaker: 00:26:13

And it just takes that healing.

Speaker: 00:26:15

It just takes to understand the part.

Speaker: 00:26:18

What is it?

Speaker: 00:26:19

What is that inner part of you that

Speaker: 00:26:21

needs to do that?

Speaker: 00:26:22

So whether it's workaholism, because I think a

Speaker: 00:26:24

lot of the listeners will relate with that

Speaker: 00:26:25

as well.

Speaker: 00:26:26

So whether we are workaholic, and I've been

Speaker: 00:26:29

in that place as well.

Speaker: 00:26:31

It's a lot around just the desire to

Speaker: 00:26:32

prove.

Speaker: 00:26:33

It's a lot around, hey, I need to

Speaker: 00:26:35

prove I need to earn my love.

Speaker: 00:26:37

I need to earn my place.

Speaker: 00:26:39

And there's that.

Speaker: 00:26:40

And I think the moment, at least for

Speaker: 00:26:42

me, I started doing like, okay, I'm fine.

Speaker: 00:26:45

I'm fine.

Speaker: 00:26:46

Because it's just total acceptance.

Speaker: 00:26:47

Like, I am fine.

Speaker: 00:26:48

I don't need to prove I don't need

Speaker: 00:26:50

to do something else to be okay.

Speaker: 00:26:52

And to love myself, I can just start.

Speaker: 00:26:55

I am lovable right now.

Speaker: 00:26:57

How I look and how I am is

Speaker: 00:26:59

absolutely okay.

Speaker: 00:27:01

But once you start with that total acceptance,

Speaker: 00:27:03

you start healing those bits of you.

Speaker: 00:27:06

And that's what listeners can do as well.

Speaker: 00:27:09

Like just start healing those little parts, even

Speaker: 00:27:12

the little bits where they feel that, you

Speaker: 00:27:16

know, they're lacking, what is it that they

Speaker: 00:27:18

are getting out from either sex or whatever

Speaker: 00:27:21

addiction?

Speaker: 00:27:22

What is it that they're getting?

Speaker: 00:27:23

They can just start giving it to themselves.

Speaker: 00:27:27

Do you have tips for the listeners?

Speaker: 00:27:29

Like just one takeaway where you feel like

Speaker: 00:27:31

everyone can love themselves more or just own

Speaker: 00:27:35

themselves, be more connected with their bodies?

Speaker: 00:27:37

And maybe if you want to split it

Speaker: 00:27:38

out with men and women, that's absolutely okay.

Speaker: 00:27:41

But what advice would you leave the listeners

Speaker: 00:27:43

with?

Speaker: 00:27:44

If there's just one piece of advice, I

Speaker: 00:27:47

would remind people, as one of my clients

Speaker: 00:27:49

used to say a lot, you don't know

Speaker: 00:27:51

what you don't know.

Speaker: 00:27:53

And oftentimes you're too close to yourself, to

Speaker: 00:27:57

your life, to your patterns, to your partner,

Speaker: 00:27:59

to see the big picture.

Speaker: 00:28:01

And that's why I always recommend if you

Speaker: 00:28:03

feel like life can be better, seek and

Speaker: 00:28:06

engage a professional that matches the needs you

Speaker: 00:28:09

have.

Speaker: 00:28:10

Because if you don't, you may regret it.

Speaker: 00:28:13

And that's the hardest thing I hear in

Speaker: 00:28:16

my sessions with clients, that sense of regret.

Speaker: 00:28:20

I have, even if you go and google

Speaker: 00:28:22

my name and read my reviews, what people

Speaker: 00:28:25

say about working with me, again, they do

Speaker: 00:28:27

speak about regret and wishing they have worked

Speaker: 00:28:30

with me 10, 20 plus years ago.

Speaker: 00:28:32

And that's the hardest part.

Speaker: 00:28:34

I can listen to the hard stuff.

Speaker: 00:28:36

I can listen to people's pain and struggle

Speaker: 00:28:38

and I can help them through it.

Speaker: 00:28:40

But the hardest thing for me is hearing

Speaker: 00:28:43

people genuinely like cry with regret about how

Speaker: 00:28:48

much they've missed out on, how much pleasure,

Speaker: 00:28:51

connection, how many relationships they have gone through

Speaker: 00:28:55

that have failed or they sabotaged them or

Speaker: 00:28:58

something that could have been avoided.

Speaker: 00:29:01

They could have known themselves better.

Speaker: 00:29:03

They could have built the skills that they

Speaker: 00:29:04

wanted to be able to live the life

Speaker: 00:29:06

that they deserve 20 years ago.

Speaker: 00:29:08

So how do people start, even without going

Speaker: 00:29:11

to a professional, is there something that you

Speaker: 00:29:13

would say that they can start doing immediately

Speaker: 00:29:15

in their houses, within their daily lives, just

Speaker: 00:29:18

to connect with themselves?

Speaker: 00:29:20

Yeah, well, one of the things that I

Speaker: 00:29:23

would say is there are so many challenges

Speaker: 00:29:26

that people can have about and around sex

Speaker: 00:29:28

and relationships.

Speaker: 00:29:29

Maybe it's post-pregnancy, maybe it's chronic illness,

Speaker: 00:29:33

maybe it's aging and sexuality and relationships, maybe

Speaker: 00:29:36

it's that they're interested in polyamory or BDSM

Speaker: 00:29:39

or something.

Speaker: 00:29:40

So there isn't one thing that I can

Speaker: 00:29:42

give that's specific and actionable aside from recommending

Speaker: 00:29:47

a website called Life's Explicit, where they can

Speaker: 00:29:50

actually start searching for that kind of information.

Speaker: 00:29:53

They can find articles on the topics they're

Speaker: 00:29:56

interested in or videos or podcasts or professionals

Speaker: 00:30:00

that specialize in those topics because there are

Speaker: 00:30:03

very few sex and relationship professionals specifically, and

Speaker: 00:30:06

we're very hard to find because of censorship

Speaker: 00:30:09

online.

Speaker: 00:30:10

If you've been on social media for like

Speaker: 00:30:11

a minute, you have certainly heard how sex

Speaker: 00:30:15

and relationship professionals change words in order to

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avoid algorithms and getting banned and getting completely

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wiped out overnight.

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Which is such a shame because as much

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as we need to talk about this positively,

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we also need to have platforms that allow

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us to do that.

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There's a difference between people who are sending

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out, spreading out the wrong messages, and the

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people who are talking about it positively.

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There definitely needs to be a different way

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for them or space in the algorithm to

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allow that to come through because how is

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your voice supposed to be heard and how

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is that supposed to go out in the

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world?

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Exactly.

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So if you're happy to share the link

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to Life's Explicit in the show notes, people

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can just go in and find the information

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they need because genuinely, me having been in

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this industry for over eight years now, I'm

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like, it's such a struggle.

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I've had so many clients come to me

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and be like, it took us years to

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get to that point where we could actually

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find you because they've gone through the NHS,

Speaker: 00:31:22

which is the national health service in the

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UK.

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They got a cookie cutter type of approach

Speaker: 00:31:27

from a professional working for the NHS.

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They struggled some more and then they finally

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were like, okay, let's find the right professional

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this time.

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And a lot of people get this illusion

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that it leads to heartbreak.

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And at the same time, it's such an

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intimate thing.

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It's so intrinsic.

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This is how we were born.

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You know, like there's no kidding around it.

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We were born this way and then still

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we can't talk about it, but it holds

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the key to our emotions.

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Feeling sexually balanced is also a very integral

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part of just feeling really connected, really balanced

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every single place in us, within us.

Speaker: 00:32:07

So this is definitely a conversation that needs

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to happen a lot more.

Speaker: 00:32:11

So where can people find you?

Speaker: 00:32:13

So you've mentioned your website.

Speaker: 00:32:15

How are the other ways that people can

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reach out to you?

Speaker: 00:32:18

I'm very easy to find online.

Speaker: 00:32:20

If you want to work with me or

Speaker: 00:32:22

see my reviews before you decide or want

Speaker: 00:32:25

to do a discovery call, the easiest thing

Speaker: 00:32:28

to do is Google my name.

Speaker: 00:32:30

If you Google Lia Spassova, you will find

Speaker: 00:32:32

me everywhere, including on my website and including

Speaker: 00:32:35

on Life's Explicit.

Speaker: 00:32:36

I'm listed there alongside 100 plus professionals from

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around the world that can serve your needs,

Speaker: 00:32:43

time zones and so forth.

Speaker: 00:32:45

That's the best way.

Speaker: 00:32:46

Just Google me.

Speaker: 00:32:47

Find me.

Speaker: 00:32:48

Message me.

Speaker: 00:32:48

Let's go from there.

Speaker: 00:32:50

Okay, beautiful.

Speaker: 00:32:50

And I'll have all the links in the

Speaker: 00:32:52

show notes as well.

Speaker: 00:32:53

So thanks, Lia, for being here.

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It was a pleasure having this conversation with

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you.

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Thank you so much for having me.

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Okay, thanks to our dear listeners as well.

Speaker: 00:33:04

I hope you enjoyed today's topic.

Speaker: 00:33:06

If you feel there is anyone else who

Speaker: 00:33:08

will benefit from this show, please feel free

Speaker: 00:33:11

to share.

Speaker: 00:33:12

Feel free to subscribe so that you will

Speaker: 00:33:13

have access to other episodes and other really

Speaker: 00:33:17

great speakers who will talk about other things

Speaker: 00:33:20

that are very important to us, very integral

Speaker: 00:33:22

to our daily life and really help us

Speaker: 00:33:25

transform into a better space.

Speaker: 00:33:27

So thanks so much.

Speaker: 00:33:28

Signing off.

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See you next time.